I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
