If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize