If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
