Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
