my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
