just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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