I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
