last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
