the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
