I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
