I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
