giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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