Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
