my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
