Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize