Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
