yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
