I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
