jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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