Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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