history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
