just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
