piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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