i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize