some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
