mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
