Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize