you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
