I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
