Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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