Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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