Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
