6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
