and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We had to coat check the pizza.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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