The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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