Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
