I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
