whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
