Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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