youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
