Just took my morning after pill in the library
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
