You just made me feel so damn special
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
