guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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