70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
