I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
