i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
