I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
