I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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