dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize