Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
