you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
