mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
