I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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