it wasn't lemon gatorade
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sorry about my life...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize