I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
