If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
