I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
