The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
