I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
