Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
